


Maybe

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Aromantic Asexual Raphael Santiago, Best Friends, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 18:00:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12371040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: “It just occurred to me,” Simon said and he was clearly trying to sound casual but he failed miserably. “I don’t know.”“You don’t know,” Raphael echoed dryly and there was literally no time ever that Simon started a topic he didn’t have any kind of opinion or deeper thoughts on. He was damn sure that his best friend’s brain was unable to shut up, always running a mile a minute with thoughts about the universe and trying to figure out life itself.“Yeah, I dunno,” Simon confirmed and his voice had gotten a little smaller, careful even. He definitely did know where he wanted to go with this conversation and Raphael swallowed the sigh rising in his throat because he knew it was up to him to get the other boy to talk, otherwise, it would hang over them like a dark cloud for at least the rest of the day. He hated when that happened.





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I can kind of blame "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe" for this idea because I'm currently reading it and...the idea just showed up. Go read the book if you don't know it already!

“I have never kissed anyone.”

Raphael lowered his book and the hint of a frown disappeared from his forehead as soon as it had appeared, leaving him with a carefully blank expression while glancing over at his best friend who was sitting on the floor, still engrossed in whatever game he was currently playing.

It was their thing, especially during the holidays: they would meet up in one of their homes, Raphael would read the book he had with him and Simon would play a game or talk, most of the time both. He could always talk and Raphael sometimes wondered when he had started being okay with that. When they had first met, Simon had been the most annoying child he had ever encountered and Raphael had been worried his ears would start bleeding from the other’s constant chatter.

Now, he was so used to it that it was unsettling to not have Simon’s nonsensical monologues as a background noise. And Simon always came up with the weirdest topics and questions—just like the one he was barreling towards right now. Somehow, Raphael had known such a topic would inevitably pop up one day. They were teenagers, they were supposed to be talking and thinking about stuff like this non-stop, he supposed.

“So?” He finally said when nothing else followed but the sound of Simon clicking the buttons on his controller.

Raphael could tell the other was nervous, not just because he was about to die on the screen which didn’t happen too often—Simon was clumsy as hell in real life but he was a pro at gaming and was always able to find a way to beat the hardest levels without too much difficulty. There were games he would probably be able to make a speedrun with his eyes closed.

“It just occurred to me,” Simon said and he was clearly trying to sound casual but he failed miserably. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know,” Raphael echoed dryly and there was literally no time ever that Simon started a topic he didn’t have any kind of opinion or deeper thoughts on. He was damn sure that his best friend’s brain was unable to shut up, always running a mile a minute with thoughts about the universe and trying to figure out life itself.

“Yeah, I dunno,” Simon confirmed and his voice had gotten a little smaller, careful even. He definitely did know where he wanted to go with this conversation and Raphael swallowed the sigh rising in his throat because he knew it was up to him to get the other boy to talk, otherwise, it would hang over them like a dark cloud for at least the rest of the day. He hated when that happened.

“What made you think about it?”

“Clary.”

Clary, of course. It was always Clary with this boy. Raphael would never get what his best friend saw in this annoying redhead.

“She told me she kissed Izzy,” Simon added after a beat of silence and his voice was carefully neutral. He was trying not to show that he was certainly heartbroken about these new because Raphael knew the other had a crush as big as the planet on the dumb girl. Why would anyone like a girl like her? _Why would anyone like a girl, period?_ Raphael really didn’t get it but he didn’t get a lot when it came to such things, anyway.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?”

Raphael had the distinct feeling that this wasn’t what Simon had planned on saying next but it was what he blurted out. No filter, as usual.

Raphael glanced at the book in his hands, sighed softly and placed his phone in between the pages before closing the book. He read so many books, yet didn’t own even a single bookmarker.

“What is?” He thought it was safer to make sure what he was answering before doing so.

“I don’t know, it just is.”

“You say _I don’t know_ a lot,” Raphael pointed out and he felt an odd sensation of exhaustion creeping up on him. Simon was too complicated sometimes. Why just tell outright what was on his mind when he could pretend to _not know_.

“Because I don’t.”

“You’ve always been a shitty liar.”

Simon paused the game when the screen flashed with GAME OVER and turned around, finally facing Raphael with an unreadable expression. He reached up to push his glasses further up his nose and bit his bottom lip for a brief moment.

“I’m not lying. I—I really don’t know. Or, maybe I do, but I don’t know how to put it into words,” Simon admitted with a soft voice, his gaze dropping down to study the corner of his own bed.

“That never stopped you before,” Raphael replied, teasingly, and he felt uneasy about the unfamiliarly strong insecurity rolling off of Simon in waved and filling up every nook and cranny of the room.

“You’re not funny.” Simon quirked a small smile anyway before his face shifted back to being carefully blank and unusually serious.

“Isn’t it weird that she kissed another girl?” He asked and Raphael knew that this was a lot closer to the truth than what Simon had said before. Simon didn’t actually think it was weird but he felt like he should think that way.

“ _It’s weird how invested you are_. Just admit that you don’t like the thought of her kissing someone else instead of acting like it’s about whatever gender the other person has,” Raphael settled on saying with a roll of his eyes because he was so sure that it was just about that. Simon had a crush on Clary and now he was heartbroken that she kissed someone else instead of him—and maybe the fact that it had been Isabelle Lightwood played into it as well because it surely made Simon wonder if he ever had a chance, being a guy and all.

“That’s not it. I don’t care that she kissed someone, which—I guess I’m finally over her for sure. But...that’s not it. It’s—it _is_ about the fact that she, a girl, kissed another girl. Most people would think it’s weird and wrong and—”

“So if I ever told you that I kissed another boy, you would tell me it’s wrong and weird?” Raphael had no idea why he said it like this, especially since he certainly did not want to do that. Yeah, he definitely didn’t want to kiss girls, ever, but boys...not so much, either. He knew there was probably something wrong with him and that was why he usually avoided this topic because he didn’t need anyone else to confirm his suspicion.

Simon gaped at him for what felt like hours but it was only seconds, maybe a minute. He closed his mouth, teeth clicking together, and his cheeks were suddenly dusted with the softest hint of pink. “Have you? Ever kissed a boy, I mean.”

“No.”

The fact that Simon was still looking at him, staring as if he would be able to analyse Raphael’s very core by doing so, was more than a little unsettling. Raphael barely resisted the urge to squirm away from the intense attention resting on him.

“What about a girl? Did you kiss one?”

“ _No!_ ” This time it was Raphael’s mouth that snapped shut because hadn’t meant for it to sound so different from before. So...disgusted.

There was a brief pause before Simon put his controller aside and got up, not to leave but to step closer to the bed and climb onto the soft mattress. He sat down right in front of Raphael, mirroring his cross-legged position, and there was a curious spark in the depths of his warm brown eyes.

“So, does that mean you like boys?”

“No.” Raphael felt like a broken record because he kept on repeating this one word and he almost got angry at Simon for having the audacity to smile at his answer.

“You say _no_ a lot,” he repeated the wording Raphael had used against him only minutes earlier and Raphael narrowed his eyes. He seriously considered pushing Simon off the bed but the thought evaporated when he could suddenly feel the careful press of the other’s palm against the centre of his chest.

“So, you don’t like girls but you don’t like boys either?”

Raphael shrugged and glanced down at Simon’s arm that wasn’t completely outstretched due to the close proximity between their bodies. It made him more aware of how close Simon was sitting and the warmth seeping through his shirt from the other’s hand made him aware of the treacherously fast thumping of his heart.

“But you do like me, at least?”

Raphael would never get what was going on in Simon’s mind. The question was completely innocent and he wasn’t even talking about that kind of _like_ but it still caused Raphael’s nerves to flutter just a little bit more.

“I’m seriously reconsidering it,” he answered with a gloomy expression but his voice gave away his insecurity. He felt Simon’s fingertips press a tad more against him, slightly digging into the material of his shirt before his hand suddenly slid further up.

Raphael didn’t flinch when the pads of Simon’s fingers brushed the side of his neck but he did tilt his head slightly as if making a weak attempt at getting away from the touch.

“I wonder what it feels like to kiss someone,” Simon mused while his fingers wandered higher, following the line of Raphael’s jaw before finding their way over Raphael’s cheek to the corner of his mouth, “to kiss a boy.”

Raphael felt his breath hitch in his throat and he couldn’t help but get lost in Simon’s eyes. He had never thought about wanting to kiss anyone but right this moment...he could at least imagine to want it. It was an unfamiliar and scary sensation but he still didn’t stop this situation from unfolding even further.

There was an unspoken question in Simon’s eyes, his whole face, and the way he touched Raphael—so tenderly but with an odd determination. His hand moved again, now cradling Raphael’s cheek and Simon’s thumb found its way to the corner of his mouth, applying the softest pressure when it finally dared to brush over his bottom lip. He swallowed thickly and felt his lips quiver against the pad of Simon’s thumb.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but...would you be okay with it if I kissed you someday?”

Raphael felt the confused noise in his throat before he heard it. He had almost been anticipating the other to lean in and press their mouths together, not knowing how he would react if that did happen.

The “Maybe” that left his lips was the most honest answer he could muster but in the back of his mind he was almost certain that his answer should have been “yes”.

Raphael had never wanted to kiss anyone, never even thought of it, but the night that followed this odd day he ended up dreaming of being kissed by Simon and he couldn’t find it in himself to dislike it.


End file.
